Don't Choke On Your Wedding Toast

by David Pitlik
Founder and Senior Toast Writer
ThePerfectToast.com

Have you ever done something so stupid that you ended up making a total jerk of yourself? I know I certainly have. In fact, I've done it enough times that I believe I qualify as somewhat of an expert on the subject. As an expert, let me pass on a little advice to any of you future jerks out there -- try not to achieve jerk-dom during a friend's wedding.

Last weekend I was witness to a truly world class embarrassing event. It occurred smack dab in the middle of a beautiful wedding for two very good friends of mine. My fiancée and I were having a great time. At one point we commented to each other that we hoped our future wedding turns out as well. I mean, everything was perfect, the ceremony, the food, the band, the dancing. I'd have to say it was the best wedding I'd ever been to. That was, until it came time for the best man to toast the bride and groom.

Now I happen to know the best man and I can vouch for the fact that ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time he's nothing like the idiot he revealed to us that day. Sure, sometimes he'd say stupid stuff, but who hasn't? In the company of good friends, we all occasionally come off looking like the moron that resides just below the surface of our better judgment.

Unfortunately for Reese, he chose to trust his worst instincts at the absolute worst moment. As best man, Reese had the highest privilege of standing beside the groom, holding the wedding ring, removing the garter, as well as welcoming the new couple into the married world with the traditional best man's toast. Too bad Reese hit the jerk jackpot with his incredibly tasteless toast. How bad could it have been, you ask? Well, let me assure you that no one present at the wedding will forget it anytime soon. And mind you, that toast has been preserved for posterity in all its digital glory on videotape! Reese will never live that day down.

I suppose you're thinking I'm probably exaggerating a bit just for the sake of this article. Well, I only wish that were true. As best as I can recall, here's how his toast started: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to stand before you today and toast this bride and groom. I've known Pete most of my life. We've always been best friends. We've shared a lot of adventures together. We've fished together, we've sky dived together, we've gotten drunk together, we've even slept with some of the same women... but not together."

Let me interject that Reese had not prepared anything in advance. He figured he'd just wing it; something would come to him. So, with the aid of a large quantity of champagne, he found his inspiration. And since he was feeling no pain, that first laugh pretty much launched him into treacherous waters. "Now I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but one of those women was Cindy, Pete's beautiful bride. Don't worry, Pete knows all about it. Now I know what all of you guys are thinking. You wish you could've slept with her too. Well, let me tell you, Pete is one lucky guy. One incredibly lucky guy! Cindy, you are terrific. I really mean that. You are the best..."

As I'm sure you can imagine, the banquet hall grew very quiet, very quickly. At least a dozen people, including Pete, Cindy, her parents, his parents, the wedding coordinator and the minister were probably all thinking the same thing at the exact same time -- Reese must die!

Regrettably, Reese continued on for another ten long and painful minutes, revealing intimate details of Pete's sex life, as well as his occasional brushes with the law. Not a soul laughed, or so much as smiled. And throughout this debacle, Reese was completely oblivious to the disaster he had created.

So what's the moral of this story, you ask? Well, as it turns out, there is one. Firstly, if you're getting married, whatever you do, don't ask Reese to be your best man. Secondly, if you are the best man, prepare your toast in advance. Unless you're already a gifted public speaker, winging it just ain't a good plan. And if preparing a toast simply isn't your "thing," then consider a little help.

Bottom line: Don't become an official jerk with your toast. That honor will be left for another occasion of your very own choosing.

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