Breaking All The Rules

Shortly after you become engaged you discover that everything you do is dictated by a very mysterious set of rules. For the purposes of our discussion we'll call them, the "rules of engagement." They can't be found in a book. They're not available over the Internet. And you definitely won't uncover them on the dusty shelves of some musty old library. Actually, no one has ever really seen the "rules"... well, except for my fiancée, that is. And according to her, I'm a frequent violator.

Now mind you, I'm a pretty straightforward guy. I believe in society's need for rules and the need for everyone to conform to them. Which is why I always obey the speed limit... whenever I can which isn't all that often, but I assure you I am following the spirit, if not the letter of the law. And as far as doing my civic duty, I almost never avoid jury duty... unless it's going to interfere with baseball, football or hockey games, drinking, poker night, all first run episodes of NYPD BLUE, or just about anything else, for that matter. And believe me when I say I'm absolutely golden when it comes to following the rules of golf... if you don't count the occasional kicked ball, or the twelve strokes a game I kinda, sorta shave off my final score.

But I digress.

My fiancée, whom I love more than life itself, informs me that I frequently break these cardinal rules of engagement. To which I reply, "who the heck wrote these rules and how come I never heard about them before?" She refuses to answer this question, and simply shakes her head at my unfathomable ignorance.

Let me give you an example. The other day we went out for dinner. During the meal, another couple happened to pass by our table. The woman, for lack of a better description, was "hot" and frankly I couldn't help but take a quick gander in her direction. Well, according to my fiancée, this quick gander then turned into a prolonged stare, for which I was rewarded with a sharp, painful kick to my shin under the table. My fiancée then proceeded to inform me that extended gawking at other women in the presence of your beloved is expressly prohibited by the rules.

Now I will admit I may have stared just a tiny bit longer than one might consider polite, but I certainly had no idea it was against the law.

Here's another example. We were going out to see a play one recent evening and as always, my fiancée was taking great pains to decide on the perfect evening attire. Naturally, I had picked out my wardrobe in less than three minutes. Finally she appeared, adorned in a lovely red dress. I complimented her on her outfit, then suggested that we best be going or else we'd be late. She then asked if I "honestly" liked this particular dress. Being an honest guy, I told her I thought the dress was "okay," but was not "my" favorite.

Fortunately for my shin, I was out of kicking range, but the result was essentially the same. Another huge violation of the rules. Apparently the correct answer was to say she looked fabulous in this dress. And that every dress she owned was my favorite.

Now I think you're probably beginning to see where my frustration comes from. If I could just know what these rules are in advance, I feel certain that I can cut down on the tremendous number of times I break them.

But alas, each time I beg to see these stealthy rules, my fiancée only laughs then smiles devilishly.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and create my own set of rules. A set of rules that would dictate how she must behave around me. You know, fight fire with fire.

But, unfortunately, my finance informs me that this too is against the rules.

Looks like I just can't win.