Wedding Toasts: Couples Envy

I live with my fiancé in a fairly nice apartment. And we've got some really friendly neighbors. In fact, I really like the people across the hall. They're middle aged, you know, in their mid-forties, don't have any kids and seem to always be having a good time. Come to think of it, I don't really like them that much after all. They're way too nice. They're way too cool. And they have way too many friends.

Okay, I'll admit it, I'm jealous. It's not that my fiancé and I don't have any friends, it's just that we don't have any "us" friends. You know what I'm talking about; friends that we've made since we became a couple. Sure, we've got lots of friends from before we got engaged, but whenever you get together with "those" friends, you can always sense a slight bias. What we needed were some new friends. Friends that only knew us as a couple, no prior baggage, no inside "stuff." Virgin friends.

But where do you find new friends? It's not like there's any "friends" match making services out there, at least not that I've ever heard of. I suppose we could try making friends with people from work, but the truth is they wouldn't really be "us" friends. Now it certainly occurred to me that we might look no further than those oldish folks across the hall. But after giving it a little more thought, I concluded we should probably start off with slightly more monogamous friends. These folks are seeing way too many people at one time. Frankly, they're sluts.

So, the quest to develop new friends was on. Jill and I made it our number one priority. We didn't let a single opportunity pass us by. When the mailman knocked to deliver a package, I immediately inquired if he and his significant other would care to join us for an evening of light conversation, good wine and perhaps a spirited game of Scrabble. He looked at me like I was crazy. After getting my signature for the package, he was gone in a flash. In fact, I think he changed his route, because I haven't seen him since.

Jill tried to make movie plans with the woman in the toll booth on her way to work. I promise you, Karyn was as friendly and warm as anyone could be, but the response she got was puzzling. The woman just rudely waved her on. Apparently the toll lady is something of a loner.

I thought I'd finally broken through when I struck up a really good conversation with some woman on the phone who was trying to sell me credit card insurance. We seemed to hit it off immediately. As luck would have it, she was recently engaged just like us, and they didn't have many friends either. Her fiancé sounded like a really great guy and she was equally excited at the prospect of meeting Jill. I suggested perhaps the four of us should go for coffee, maybe lunch. You know, take it slow at first. She seemed to like this suggestion. But the budding friendship hitter the skids the second I refused to sign up for that credit card insurance. She instantly grew cold and hostile, ending the call abruptly. I guess it was for the better, but to be honest, I knew it would be difficult for me to develop that trust again.

Fortunately, Jill was still game to try. She asked the guy in the self-serve booth at the corner gas station, the waiter at our favorite Mexican restaurant, the teller at her bank, a woman jogging down the street, the cable repair person, a cashier at the supermarket, some guy walking his dog, a protester, a man dressed as a woman, a homeless person. even a priest. But the results were always the same. Not a single friend emerged from these attempts, despite her best efforts.

I had to admire her tenacity, so I decided to take one more shot. But this time, I figured I'd have to be more selective. Look for someone who doesn't normally receive this kind of proposition. Someone who might just be a little surprised, caught off guard. Dare I say, intrigued?

Well, perhaps I miscalculated when I intentionally drove 75 miles an hour in a school zone, just so I could ask that cop if he and his spouse would like to go up to the lake for the weekend. But frankly, he was completely out of line with that strip search. And the DWI test was totally uncalled for. There was simply no way we could be friends after that.

So, I'm sorry to report, we're right back where we started. Desperately seeking "us" friends, but totally stymied as to how to acquire them. I'm beginning to fear that the situation is hopeless. I don't want to come off as desperate, because I know that always makes you less desirable to another couple, but we're down to our last straws here. I just pray that someone responds soon to that personal ad I'm running.